The 6 Husbands Every Wife Should Have by Dr. Steven Craig

Author:Dr. Steven Craig
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster

Making It Happen: Mastering the Family Ties Stage

COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR THE FAMILY TIES STAGE

In line with the need for competence and autonomy that dominates this stage, successful couples learn during these years that there is no room for the immature conversational games that sometimes plague earlier years in a marriage. Here are a few of those games and tips for how to avoid them:

Game 1. “Guess What I’m Thinking”

Many people (often women) develop a passive communication style derived from their fear of simply speaking their mind. Instead of getting directly to the point, they drop hints, hoping the listener will figure out what they need, so they don’t have to assert themselves. This communication style often sounds like this: Mary, on the phone with her husband, says, “When are you leaving the office? The children have a lot of homework tonight and I need to go grocery shopping later.” While this statement sounds clear enough, it really isn’t, because what Mary is trying to communicate is that she wants her husband to get home on time that night and help her out. She is hoping he’ll say something like, “I can stop at the grocery on the way home. I’ll head out soon. What do we need?” Since all he hears is a laundry list of things that she is doing, he’s likely to miss that message and say something like, “OK, I’ll probably see you around eight after I work out.” This response makes her angry, and she might say something like, “All you ever care about is the gym and working out.” Now, thoroughly confused, he returns her volley with either anger or a demeaning shut-down: “Whatever.”

In the Family Ties stage, spouses typically have no emotional tolerance for these antics. It is not appropriate for a competent, high-functioning adult to beat around the bush and revert to sulking when things don’t go his or her way. As you learned in earlier stages, the process of communication is always changing, which means that how one communicates has to change through the years just as much as what one communicates. This stage of marriage calls for leadership, and leaders speak their mind. In the example above, Mary just needs to say, “Will you come home early tonight so I can get a few things done?” or “I need to get the kids started on their homework. Can you get home early and stop for groceries on the way?” It sounds simple enough, but you’d be amazed at how often couples waste time chasing each other around these immature interactions.

Game 2. “My Feelings Get Hurt When You Don’t Listen to Me”

Before we each had children, my brother and I used to have long, detailed phone discussions about each other’s lives. Then, once we both had young children running around, our phone conversations changed significantly. At that time, it was not uncommon for either one of us to quickly interrupt the other with, “Oh, gotta go,” and then abruptly hang up. And that was perfectly fine.

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